I’m forcing myself to do that, actually. I just kind of hit a wall today, speaking in terms of motivation and self-discipline. I had lunch plans and had my lunch all packed, but then my plans changed. So I ended up in the work cafeteria, and the salad bar was awful looking. So, what did I have? Fried chicken, a biscuit and baked beans. Then, on the way home, I was hypoglycemic and cranky due to my crap lunch, and I stopped at the grocery store for dinner. Plan: buy a rotisserie chicken and some broccoli. Plan as executed: bought rotisserie chicken, broccoli, thai peanut wrap and package of cinnamon coffee cake. Got home, ate the wrap and nibbled all the cinnamon parts of the coffee cake and threw the rest away.
The truth ain’t pretty, people.
Sigh. Nor is my state of mind right now. I feel whiny, full of excuses and rationalizations and empty of optimism. I’m also wanting to work up some compassion for myself, but I vascillate between saying to myself “It’s OK. Your life is hard right now,” and saying “Your life is always going to be hard. That’s the way life is. DEAL WITH IT.”
This entry sucks to write. Yet it feels so important. I am a person who works so very hard to appear as if I have it all under control. I come across as confident and basically unflappable, as I’ve been told many times. I HATE to confess feelings of inadequacy, confusion, hopelessness or helplessness. And yet that small secret voice we all have whispers exactly those things to me. When my friends and I would sit around and moan about our insecurity and inadequacy in graduate school, I would moan along with them, but inside I would be thinking “They don’t know how reallyreallyreallyreally true it is for me. I am such a fake, such a total, faking faker they can’t even imagine.” And yet on the outside, I am the one that everyone comes to, and everyone trusts with their hard stuff, and everyone applauds as strong and kind and unfailingly fail-proof.
So here I am, writing the hardest kind of thing for me to write, which is an entry about feeling like a melted, gooey puddle of self-improvement failure. And I know all the words; I know all the stuff I leave in comments on other people’s blogs about how it’s a journey, and it’s all about putting one foot in front of the other, and when you fall down or get lost or get distracted you just gather yourself up again and just take that one step. And then some more steps.
Those are good words; they are words that I believe, even if they seem like words for someone else tonight. So. I took a step. I cleaned the meat off of the previously mentioned rotisserie chicken, and I made a healthy lunch for tomorrow.
2 comments:
Oh Luna - I so understand how you feel. I hate to fail and I pure loathe myself if that failure is witnessed. I can't even write about my current 'weight state' on my blog because I don't want people to know. Instead I have a picture of myself there that is nearly two years old (I tell myself that it is there for my own inspiration to be thin again, but the truth is I don't want anyone to see me now. Horrible isn't it. I salute you for writing about this kind of thing. You are so not alone.
I also think you are right in reminding yourself (and us!) that the trials of life will still be there whether we choose to eat badly or not. They are not an excuse no matter how easy it is to make them so. Keep going, Luna. You can do this! XXXX
"The truth ain’t pretty, people."
Isn't that the truth,lol. Thank you SO MUCH for writing this. It's exactly the way that I've felt through most of May. I was actually too embarrassed to post about all my miserable failures & feelings of hopeless/helplessness because it felt too awful to admit, even though I STARTED my journal as a place to post those miserable feelings and work them out. Instead I try way too hard sometimes to be positive and upbeat and basically pretend all this stuff is easy and I'm okay, even when I'm not and the process is going miserably. Your journal post has reminded me how important it is to be REAL. Sometimes life isn't pretty and I'm a mess, and that's not the end of the world. I'm really going to take your example and start blogging more regularly, not just the upbeat success stuff but the everyday struggle and failures. It's time I own who I am and stop pretending or trying to be perfect because honestly, That isn't ever going to happen.
Please keep up the writing, even when things aren't going well. Especially when things aren't going well! Maybe it will help you move back on track, definitely it will help me (and other readers) remember to be honest with ourselves. You are an inspiration to me, not because of your successes or because you seem so in charge and strong (which you usually do) but because of your Honesty. For me, alot of my weight has crept on through denial, refusing to see what I was doing to myself and my life, pretending it was all okay. Moving into a life of truth, honesty, and REALNESS (yes, I make up words :) ) is what will get my healthy. Thanks for being a catalyst in my journey.
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