I’ve been weird about social engagements this week. Last week was a hugely social week, with lots of shared meals out in restaurants. I managed to do fine, overall. This week, though, I just don’t seem to be up to the task. Today, for example…I was invited out to lunch with some friends, and I was also invited to the monthly potluck lunch the psychology staff at our hospital holds monthly. All I wanted in the world was to sit in my office, eat my lunch that I brought from home and not have to talk to anyone about what I was eating and why.
So that’s what I did, which was fine. I don’t especially like the way I did it, though—I told the restaurant people that I was going to the potluck, and the potluck people that I was going out to lunch with the restaurant people. I much prefer to be straightforward and honest about things, but I just wasn’t up for the conversation. I’m not even sure what I would have said to either group, besides “No, sorry, not up for it today.”
What bothers me about the whole thing is that I’m feeling kind of rigid and fragile, like I have to protect myself from a situation where I’ll feel uncomfortable or will eat something I regret. Eating in public feels too complicated, though I’ve been able to negotiate it successfully in the very recent past. The monthly potluck is usually a minefield or a gold mine of carbohydrates, depending on your perspective. I didn’t want to sit there and nibble cheese w/no crackers while deflecting offers of poundcake and Cheetos. Maybe I don’t trust myself to make good choices yet.
The bigger issue, though, is my worry about letting people know that I’m trying to lose weight and be healthier. I can’t bear to call attention to myself in that way. I’m embarrassed about my size and embarrassed that I am embarrassed—I’d at least like to be a confident fat woman who embraces her physical self and expects others to do the same, without a self-critical thought in her head. I don’t know; I just feel like people will find me pathetic if I announce I’m changing my eating habits, particularly if they subsequently don’t see my weight change. Why I give a frog’s fat butt about what anyone thinks of me is beyond me. This is old, old shame, I guess, and it seems to be impervious to the self-assurance I’ve built up in other areas of my life.
4 comments:
I think you have to do what you have to do during these early stages, Luna. And I congratulate you for it. You knew you weren't up to facing the minefield and you successfully negotiated it. I have got no doubt that in time, as you get used to your new life and self, that you will go forward boldly eating celery in the face of pasta (and loving it!).
Take no prisoners! RAH! ;D XXX
Social stress is not good for the digestion. I think you are quite right to eat by yourself if you are unsure of either how much you will feel "obligated" to divulge or uncomfortable with other's offers. I've often found, "I'd love to, but I have to catch up on some paperwork over lunch" buys me out and lets me be alone while looking dilligent.
It's a toss-up which I dislike more - potlucks or buffets. They both invite unnecessary comment. Do what feels best and most nurturing to yourself in this liminal stage. And, if you are fat, the others have probably noticed and most likely have more important things to worry about - or should.
*S*
As others have said, I think you need to do whatever feels right for you at the moment. These are the early days in your journey and I think it's completely fine to feel a little protective of the changes you are making. So long as withdrawing from things isn't developed into a long term pattern. There's no point in loosing the weight if it cuts you off from life, or if you can't maintain the loss while living/socializing normally. I think you'll be able to integrate your lifestyle changes into your social life eventually. It's all just going to take some time. Once you've accepted that you're really committed to change and aren't worried about failing, you'll be able to face these situations more easily. After all, you actually don't have to make excuses to anyone about what you eat or why you are eating it. If you were allergic to an item, would you eat it anyway? Would you feel guilty or pathetic because you had to say "no thanks,that doesn't agree with me." And honestly, if someone is shallow enough to judge you for trying to make changes, do you really care about that person's opinion?
I'd bet this is all stuff you've said to yourself. YOu don't really need me to say it to you. :)
-Meegan, http://ahappywife.livejournal.com
Squilla, *S* and Meegan--
Thank you for your compassion and words of wisdom. You're all three correct that I need to do what I need to do at this point, especially so early in this process. Part of my problem has been that I prioritize everything BUT weight loss, and now would be a good time to experiment with a different set of priorities. I'm sure that it will become easier and that I'll find a way to integrate healthy eating into the life that I want to live, with lots of social engagements.
You're right, Meegan, that there's no point in losing weight if it results in me becoming a carb- avoidant hermit.
Squilla, I love the image of a proud, defiant Luna, standing tall and munching a stalk of celery as her cape ripples behind her in the breeze!
And *S*, thank you for reminding me that stress is bad for the digestion. So true, and it echoes the sage advice of a man I encountered while studying abroad in Italy, who told me the same thing. "Take it easy...do you want to ruin your digestion?" For an Italian, there is no worse calamity. :)
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