I can’t stop eating. I’m ashamed to even write that, but it’s the truth, and the one thing I need to face and fix above all else. I’ve had this multi-day binge going, culminating today in two (yes, TWO) meals from McDonald’s, complete with a cinnamon melt at each meal.
I know the cause—like many of us, I eat when I feel sad or bereft somehow. It’s a reliable and easily obtained source of comfort, and it does exactly what I expect it to do. And I know why this week has been such a chow-fest; it’s because the anniversary of my mom’s death was yesterday, and though it’s been several years now, that date predictably makes me feel disconnected and sad. So I get it.
Even so. I know, rationally, that anything I can put in my mouth is not going to fill that hole, and bingeing just makes me feel more disconnected and out of control. It increases my feelings of shame and isolation—like if anyone knew the ‘real’ me, they’d be shocked and disgusted.
Did I mention that I’m a psychologist? And worse yet, I’m a psychologist who works with people in residential treatment for drug/alcohol addiction. I spend my days talking with people about addictive behaviors, about finding better ways to address problems and healthier strategies for managing their emotions. And then I go home and sit on the couch with my awful fast-food meal and my sad heart and disregard all of it.
I remember when the connection between food and nurturing became clear to me. I was driving down to visit my maternal grandmother and grandfather once, probably a year or so after my mother died. My grandmother (who is still alive at 99) has never been the warmest, most nurturing grandma, and with my mother gone such a short time, I knew that it was going to be a difficult trip. I began to be obsessed about going hungry while I was there. Now, there’s a wee grain of truth to this concern…as my grandparents aged, they began to make tinier and tinier meals for themselves, until at some point they were each having half of a steamed apple for dinner (no kidding). They’d cook a little more when they had grandkids visiting, and we’d always offer to make dinner, but there literally just wasn’t enough to make a real dinner with. We’d always each end up with about a tablespoon of chicken salad and some canned green beans or something. It wasn’t the kind of grandma’s house one dreams of. So, OK--I was driving down to visit, and all I could think about was how I was going to get enough food while I was there. I considered stopping at a grocery store, or just buying a stash of granola bars to hide in my suitcase or something… and then it just hit me how it was so not about the food. It was about the feeling lonely and sad and missing my mom and wanting a different kind of a grandmother…
Sigh.So, here I sit, no better for that insight, apparently, and not knowing how on earth I’m going to stomp out this nasty habit I have. Because if I don’t, I’m just going to get bigger and bigger, and I am so afraid of that.
Words of wisdom, anyone? Books to recommend? Mantras, meditations, healing imagery…I’m open to hearing all of it.
1 comment:
I wish I had some real insight or advice to offer. All I can really say is that I've been there, and unfortunately I'll probably be there again at some point. I think even if I manage to get real control over my food issues, there will probably still be times in my life when I "go off the wagon". The worst thing about food addiction is that you can not avoid food. An alcoholic can avoid the bar. It isn't as if they are forced on a daily basis to have a drink in order to survive. It is soooo hard to be faced daily with having to make healthy choices, eat small portions, etc. when what you really want desperately is to go hog wild. I know in my head that the food isn't truly going to make me happy, but it's so comforting, so filling and in the moment of binging it DOES make you feel better. It's instant gratification and I love that. I'm not a patient person. I need to teach myself a healthy level of control or discipline (don't want to fall into the pit of anorexia/buliema & the false sense of control you get from those disorders. Been there, done that).
Okay, I'm rambling. Sorry about that :). The only advice I can give is that you have to take it one tiny step at a time. First, stop abusing yourself about binge eating. It will only make yourself feel worse and cause you to binge even more. Everyone has their issues and this one is yours. It doesn't make you a bad or weak person. The second piece of advice, and the one that's working for me right at the moment, is to start talking positively to yourself. Tell yourself you can do it, tell yourself you are strong, tell yourself you don't really need the food. And KEEP telling yourself. The hardest thing for me to do is pull myself out of the pit of feeling helpless & hopeless. I am trying day to day, moment to moment, to make myself believe in my own ability to take care of myself and to believe that I'm WORTH taking care of.
You are worth it.
You can do it.
You have the power in your life.
By the way, I hope you don't mind that I've put a link to your journal in my ahappywife livejournal account. It makes it easier for me to find & read your journal.
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