Baby steps

I figure that this whole thing is about small changes that become lifelong habits. I’ve made a few of those lately, and I’m kind of proud of myself, even though they’re all small:

1. No more Diet Mountain Dew! Yeah, it’s diet. But I keep reading about how even diet sodas can contribute to weight gain or at least stall attempts at weight loss. But man, did I love my Dew–it’s been my major source of caffeine for quite some time now. Substituting a tasty blend of black and green tea now for my morning hit, which helps me feel nice and healthy. Less caffeine, more antioxidants. And truth be told, I was always sort of embarrassed (there’s that word again) by my Dew habit.
2. Bringing lunch to work more often. Our cafeteria has a real dearth of healthy food options for lunch. There’s the very popular fried chicken, the often overcooked but still satisfying pizza, the daily entree choice that we’ve coined The Tub of Slop. So I’ve been bringing leftovers more often, which nets me both a healthier lunch and the admiration of my co-workers. I know, I’m a hero.
3. More salads at lunch when I don’t bring my own. Work actually does have a good salad bar, and I’m making use of it more often and walking right by the fried chicken station (please, hold your applause).
4. Oh, and I bought cross-trainers the other day. I used to walk a ton for exercise, and I always wore either my Doc Martens or my Dansko clogs. I figured it was time to resurrect the walking habit, and perhaps my aging joints would appreciate a pair of proper tennis shoes. Oddly enough, my maiden voyage in them suggests that my old walkin’ gear might be more comfortable. Hm.

Like I said, wee changes, but you gotta start somewhere.

The journey begins with...

A single step, right? A blog entry, maybe?

This is a weight-loss blog. I hope so, anyway. Right now it’s a “Wow. This feels really out of control and bad and I can’t believe I weigh as much as I do” blog. It’s a “can I really do this?” blog and a “What if I write about all of this and then can’t actually discipline myself to make any changes?” blog.

Well, here’s the thing. I’m fat. I’m 5′ 8″ tall and weight about 240 lbs. I’m big, people. I turned 40 last summer, and since then, I’ve started to see what all the fuss is about, health-wise. My blood pressure is starting to creep up. I hurt my knee in a fall last October, and it has taken forever to heal, no doubt in part because of the jackhammering I give it every day just walking around on it.

The last few years have been really demanding ones. I wrote a dissertation and completed a more-than-full-time internship at the same time. I’m currently on a year-long post-doc fellowship, where I’m at work about 50 hrs per week. And I sit a lot. I’m a psychologist, so I spend most of my day with my ass in a chair, nodding and empathizing. Which, as it turns out, doesn’t burn a lot of calories.

Do I sound like I’m bitching? Oh, I’m not. Love my life, love my work. But I look back and see that I’ve gained 60 lbs in the past few years, and that I really have let graduate school nibble away at my health until I am what I am now: fat, unfit, and embarrassed.

The ‘embarrassed’ thing…that’s big for me (no pun intended). If I allowed myself to think about it, I would be too ashamed to leave the house in the morning. I had fits like that in college, where I would look in the mirror and decide I was too fugly to leave my dorm room. I don’t have them anymore, and I’m proud of that. But I’m still embarrassed about myself. I don’t date, because I’m embarrassed. And I don’t ask for help when I need it, because I’m embarrassed.

And that’s where this blog comes in. I can’t do this alone. I need to change my life, and I need to get at least a little public about it. For accountability, for fellowship, for something…

And this is hard for me. I’ve always been one to hide my vulnerabilities and uncertainties, for fear that I’ll be criticized. That’s a family thing, and something for a future post, I imagine. So, even to start this blog feels like ripping off my clothes and parading my fat self down the street, but I need to do it. I need to let the world help me.

So, this journey. I’ve been on enough of them to know that they’re never what you think they’re going to be when you start out. This one will be no different. But I know this: It starts with a single post.