Starting weight: 240
Current weight: 234
Change this week: +0
Total change: -6
Another week of no change. As I’ve said before, I’m more than satisfied with this, as I’ve not been trying at all to control my eating. The thing that is saving me from weight gain, I think, is that most of the big eating I’ve been doing has been fresh berries lately, and it’s hard to get yourself in too much trouble with fruit.
I had my first-ever massage today. I’ve always felt weird about getting one for all the predictable reasons—the massage therapist is going to be repelled by my tubby body, I don’t deserve one because I’m not physically active, I’ll be embarrassed to be seen naked, the table won’t be strong enough to hold me, etc. etc. etc. But I’ve been thinking about all the ways that I’ve neglected my body over the years and all the ways that I can work to repair that relationship now. Eating better and losing weight is certainly part of that goal—goodness knows I’ve treated myself badly by not eating right. But I’ve also treated myself badly by ignoring my body and withholding things that it would like or that would make it look pretty. In the last few years I’ve started to turn that around in small ways, by getting pedicures now and again, or getting my eyebrows waxed. Lord, I remember that first pedicure—I felt unbelievably uncomfortable, as if the person doing my feet and all the other people in the salon were thinking “Who’s the fat slob over there who thinks she’s fancy enough to be getting a pedicure??” And I didn’t start having my eyebrows groomed until I’d lost quite a bit of weight.
The truth is, as long as I was fat I was convinced that nobody would even notice if my toenails were painted or my eyebrows were shapely. I was convinced that people would look at me, trying to be pretty, and they’d shake their heads and laugh at what a losing battle I was fighting. It took losing a bunch of weight during the Great Flab-Blasting Adventure of 2000-2001 to help me take a risk and start experimenting with these kinds of things. And I’ve pretty much kept them up, even as my weight has climbed back up.
But a massage. Wow. Me, naked, with someone kneading and touching and rubbing All That Flesh. I still don’t know if I would’ve ever done it, except for that my most excellent friends pooled their money and got me a massage gift certificate for my birthday last month. And gang, let me tell you, it was lovely. I did have to do some cognitive work with myself before I went this morning, telling myself that they see all kinds of bodies, and any massage therapist worth her salt would be happy to see me doing something healthy for myself, whether I’m a size 6 or 26. I reminded myself what it’s like for me to sit down with someone whose mind has kind of gotten out of whack, and that there’s very little someone can tell me that would make me feel judgmental.
So I did it. I went in, checked in and met my massage therapist, Katy. I went into the little room with her and thought “Wow. That’s not much of a table. What if it’s not sturdy?” But it was. She left me and I got undressed and slipped under the sheet. Then she came back and dimmed the lights so low that I could hardly see her…which meant that she could hardly see me. So far, so good. The massage itself was wonderful. I challenged myself to focus entirely on the physical sensations and to let all of the cognitive stuff just melt away. Mostly, I could do that. There were times when I became aware of what felt like a lot of fat sliding around on me, but I then just returned my focus to the physical and quit worrying about it.
This experience has me thinking about the many things that make up our relationship with our bodies, and the many ways that those relationships can change. I am currently not in such a great place to control my eating, and so I’m not losing weight. I would like to change that, and eventually I will. But I also resolve to be mindful of the other ways that I can stop ignoring my body. This massage is one of those ways, and it was nice enough that I’ll try to make it a semi-regular habit.
Goals for the week:
The old regulars:
- Take the stairs at work
- Bring my lunch
A new one:
- Have a new body experience. I bought a Pilates DVD some time ago, and it’s time to give it a try.
Have a good week, all!
5 comments:
You know, I think you are right, Luna. It is important to treat our bodies and ourselves with love in other ways than just diet alone. I used to paint my nails and do my eyebrows and style my hair and all those good things. But not in the last year for some reason. Every now and then I get the tweezers out, but my hair is now a simply utilitatarian scraped-back pony tail and the rest of me is as woolly as can be. I am sure that by paying some attention to yourself in terms of 'beauty' that you experience a kind of good upward spiral (ie. you looks better so you feel better so you look after yourself better a little bit more, repeat). As usual, you have inspired me! :D
PS: And good on you for the massage. I have never been for one for all the reasons you describe (even in my thin days I was too self conscious!) and I think you are great and that it was well deserved. XXXXX
- Squilla
Ohh I love your goal of having a new body experience! That is a wonderful way of looking at the things we do to take care of our body. If I think of it that way, the thought of getting off my lazy backside to do some exercising doesn't sound bad at all. It's not work I have to do, I'll be giving myself a BODY EXPERIENCE! Lately my body has been crying out for just a little attention. I think I'm going to crack out the exercise video and have a body experience. See ya later :)!
I just finished my second workout with my new Pilates video. Oh my word, I am RIDICULOUSLY out of shape. I have to say, as new body experiences go, the massage was more fun! I felt like a sweaty, lumbering hippo with no core strength at all. Sigh. Well, we all start somewhere.
Heehee! Go us exercising sisters! I am going to treat the gym as a 'body experience', too. And it most certainly is! Of bumbly beetroot kind! Hehe! - but soon we'll be laughing out the other side with buns of steel! :D
Sounds like you've got yourself some good goals there, Luna. Have you ever thought about water aerobics? I've been doing them for about five years and it's been great in terms of strength, flexibility and endurance.
Plus, I hate to sweat.
*S*
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