I’ve been consumed lately with the un-fun task of getting my grandmother’s estate underway and debating with my siblings the merits of keeping farmland vs. selling it off. Ugh. In the midst of all this, a friend sent me a link to a post over at Shapely Prose, and it really hit home. It’s all about the things we tell ourselves will be different when we’re thin. Have you done this? God knows I have. For years I’ve had this running list in my head:
Once I’m thin…
- I’ll find a fantastic man.
- I’ll be more outgoing.
- I’ll travel more, and to more exciting places.
- People will find me more interesting.
- I’ll smell better.
- I’ll be fitter.
- I’ll be outdoorsy and will learn to love kayaking, hiking, snowshoeing, etc.
- I’ll be happier.
Wow. WTF? I could go on and on with this list. It’s absurd. The post at Shapely Prose talks about self-acceptance, both of body size and of the strengths and limitations that make up a personality. It talks about understanding that the things we’re not good at, or are afraid to do, or don’t like to do, are not necessarily because of our weight. They’re because of who we are, for better and worse.
Me? I’m not especially outgoing, and that’s not going to change if I’m a size 10 instead of a size 20. People already seem to find me interesting. I have already traveled to some pretty cool and exciting places, thanks. I’m pretty sure that the outdoorsy thing just isn’t me—I’m darn fond of a comfy bed at the end of the day, and I don’t really like being hot, or cold, or not having access to indoor plumbing at will. Give me museums, cities and culture any day. Those things may be a little easier on the feet at a lower weight, but would it change what I like, what I choose to do and what I’m good at if I lost weight? Of course not.
And yet. It’s hard to give up the fantasy. It’s hard not to continue to believe in parts of it, like the one about the fantastic man. Do I know big women who have found wonderful men? Of course. And I also know that it’s my feelings about my fat, rather than my fat itself, that gets in my way. I know this. And yet.
What are some of your thin fantasies?
5 comments:
Thin fantasies, eh? I'm not sure I have so many. I'd like it if being thin made my hair look thicker, but it won't. I wonder what it would be like to wear a single digit size and not freeze when the temp drops below 40, but that won't happen.
I was ever only fat on the outside, so I didn't let it get in the way, other than finding a comfortable chair, or not being able to walk/stand as long as I would have liked. My pocketbook, and its lack of weight, kept me from traveling, never my physical size.
And I'm blessed with a wonderful husband, so the fantasy about finding Mr. Right Now That I'm Thin was never in play.
I'll bet your as fascinating now as you would be at half your size.
*S*
Mine are so pathetic, but they're the ones always rattling around in my head:
When I'm thinner I will...
Try all the things I've wanted to do but avoid because of my weight.
Try harder to look nice in public because then it won't be futile.
Have more money because I won't waste it on plus-size clothes I either can't wear yet or don't fit my body right.
Take more chances in my life--move to a bigger town, change careers--because it'll be easier to make new friends if I'm thin.
It all seems so silly when you're thinking rationally, doesn't it?
LUUUUUUNNNNNNNAAAAAA!!! :D :D :D
I am so so sorry that I haven't been around for the last little while. My laptop completely died and it has taken me this long to get up to speed at work to be able to take a sneaky peek on the work system. ;D
I am so so sorry to hear about your Gran. Though I do think that the best any of us can wish for anyone is to have a full life and be ready to leave it when the time does come. It is obvious that she loved you even if you were from "different planets".
But I am glad to hear that you have been getting a little male attention. No doubt you deserve it. Badda-bing-badda-BOOM! :D
I am keeping on keeping on and still have not managed to drag myself out of the pit of self loathing and comfort food. I suppose, once the novelty wore off over being back in Australia, I have been just existing. Been feeling lonely while I wait for my boy to come out (he arrives on New Years Day) and that is never good for not sitting in front of the TV shovelling carbs in my face. But I am still holding on to the notion that I CAN and WILL lose my 'England' weight. One day. Unfortunately it didn't magically fall off when I stepped of the plane and into the sun, as I had hoped. ;D
Love you and will be back as soon as I can. Keep up those good Pilates. Impressive! Might even give it a try myself! :D XXXXX
Love Squilla XXXXXXXXXXXXX
hmmm, my thin fantasies:
I'll finally be able to wear all the gorgeous clothes I admire & possibly even develop a style of my own (somehow thinness will take away my clutzyness in heels & magically teach me to accessorize)
I'll become one of those svelte graceful athletic types & spend all my free time doing yoga on the beach & doing long distance bike rides. (both are things I'd love to do, but do I really think I'll make that a core part of myself? Not likely. Deep down I'm always gonna be more bookworm than athlete)
I tell myself that if I were only thin I'd try more things, be more confident, and be more silly. From experience I do know that when I'm thin I do tend to do more & feel better about myself & about life.
Overall though my weight isn't really what holds me back in life. Fear holds me back. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of really living instead of watching from the sidelines. Fear is what limits my life, not my weight. And fear is what keeps me fat. If I stay fat I have an excuse for everything & don't have to take risks.
Btw, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your grandmother. My thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself!
-meegan
This is so very true of many many women. Their becoming thin will change so much in their lives...but will it really?
For me the main thing that being thin will change is my confidence - when I simply need to get it through to myself that confience comes from within. Maybe one day I'll work it out?!
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